I remember that day, 35 years ago this week, because it was the first time I actively went to see a movie on its opening day. I was so excited to see Richard Greco 21 Jump Street As a high school student who was mistaken for a super spy, I decided to go to the theater as soon as I could. I was 11 years old.
Anyone who loves movies has special memories of going to the theater for a classic movie. You remember where you were sitting. The car in which you came. The smell of popcorn. I don’t remember anything from seeing If looks can kill, Unfortunately, but I remember the first time I told my mother that I couldn’t wait until Saturday or Sunday to see this movie. I just had to see it as soon as possible. And as someone who would soon make it a habit to watch movies on opening night, this was a huge deal. Especially when I finally decided that I wanted to watch films for a living.
But what about the film? I probably didn’t see it if looks could kill In 20 years. And, when I saw the overpriced DVD I ordered from Amazon to prepare for it, I thought it would be like watching it for the first time. But it was not so. My 11-year-old self was immediately blown away, and I felt nostalgic seeing this silly James Bond rip-off. I also started learning about this film in 1991 and what it was that made it so important to me.
long story short, if looks could kill It is the fulfillment of the last wish of any youth below 15 years of age. It is about a good high school kid named Michael Corben (Greco) who can’t graduate because he failed French. So, to get credit, he goes on a summer school trip to France. It’s already like, “How does this make any sense?” But it gets better.
Also, several key European officials are being mysteriously murdered, culminating in Britain’s top secret agent Blade, played by Roger Daltrey (yes, that Roger Daltrey), also being killed. To retaliate, America decides to send its own super-secret spy to track down the bad guys. his name? Michael Corben. Unfortunately for the government, He Michael Corben is murdered at the airport. Luckily for the audience, the bad guys don’t know that the other person on the flight is Michael Corben, Our Michael Corben. So, French failure Michael Corben gets the spy a first-class ticket, gets picked up by a custodian at the airport, and is transported to a James Bond-inspired warehouse filled with lots of cool gadgets. On the way, he keeps trying to tell them that he is not a spy, until they extract the Red Lotus.
This insanely cool car is a signal for Michael to stop being honest and buy into the fantasy. So he runs away and immediately encounters a beautiful woman in an equally beautiful car (Gabrielle Anwar). They go on the run, and eventually, we realize she’s Blade’s daughter and the key to helping Michael defeat the bad guys. There’s also X-ray specs, gambling, sex, bursting bubble gum, and of course, by the end, French high school failure Michael Corben becomes America’s number one spy.
It’s ridiculous and yet, especially through a 35-year-old lens, undeniably charming. Who doesn’t want to be a tuxedo-wearing detective? Who doesn’t want to run around evil bases with machine guns? Who doesn’t love to get a free red sports car? It’s all too much. Even watching it now, I couldn’t help but laugh at the way the film so shamelessly jumps from one scene to the next without any logic, just to get to the next fun, exciting interaction.
It works because the villains are also excellent. Oscar winner Linda Hunt plays Ilsa Grunt, a diminutive but deadly assassin, and the evil Roger Rees, whom my generation knows as the Sheriff of Rottingham. mel brooks’s men in tights. Reese plays Augustus Steranko (names are unbelievable), an officer whom America considers their ally but is actually a cruel, murderous maniac. Of course, he also has his own ruthless James Bond henchman, Ziegsfeld (Tom Rack), who has a bionic arm. And we can’t forget the real best character in the film, Michael’s French teacher and friendly adversary, Miss Grober, played by the esteemed Robin Bartlett (Shutter Island, The Fablemans). His lines are arguably the best in the entire film.
However, it’s not like any of the villains ever stood a chance. Not when Michael Corben has a cool car, high-top sneakers stuck to the wall and the girl of his dreams on his arm.
Watching if looks could kill Made me feel 11 years old again, for better or worse. On one hand, it reminded me why I love movies, why I was so excited about this one in particular, and all the nostalgia that comes with happy memories like this one. On the other hand, it was definitely embarrassing to think about how, for a long time, I had no problem ignoring how stupid this movie was, how blatantly chauvinistic and sexist it was, and never considered all the problematic elements that came with making a high school movie in 1991. But such is life when you’re Michael Corben, or want to be.
Directed by William Dear (angels in the outfield) and based on an idea by Fred Dekker (another Germain classic, monster squad), if looks could kill Incredibly enough, it’s currently available to watch for free (with ads) on YouTube. Here is the link. And no, I still don’t know exactly why it’s called that.
Want more io9 news? Check out when to expect the latest Marvel, Star Wars, and Star Trek releases, what’s next for the DC Universe on film and TV, and everything you need to know about the future of Doctor Who.
<a href