Tracy Brady is a communications executive, author and award-winning humorist.
Every November, millions of confident, capable adults walk into their kitchens and instantly lose their minds. These are the people who hold down jobs, raise kids, file taxes, and navigate the Braintree divide on Labor Day weekend. Yet hand them a 16-pound bird and suddenly they’re asking, “Can I thaw the turkey with a hair dryer?” This is an actual, documented question from the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line, now in its 44th year of reliable operation.
I’m not judging. In fact, I am extremely challenged. And there are thousands of callers who light up the talk-line every year. Butterball’s turkey talk-line experts – true national heroes – handle every type of turkey emergency imaginable. Yes, they answer questions about thawing, roasting, temperature and time. But they also hear from people who put their turkeys in the bathtub with their children, or plan to use an electric blanket to thaw the details. And people who accidentally fry the giblet bag with the bird inside call to ask if their dinner guests will die. (For the record: probably not.)
One caller “carved my turkey with a chainsaw” and wanted to know “is chain grease having an adverse effect on my turkey?” Yet another wondered if it’s OK to serve a turkey that’s been in the freezer for 23 years. I don’t know if these people are from the Commonwealth or not, but you know who you are.
Let’s be honest – the turkey is the least of your worries on Thanksgiving, depending on whether you’re hosting two people or 20, what their food allergies are, and who they voted for. Because here’s the secret: Thanksgiving isn’t about perfection. It’s about stubborn optimism in the face of unfulfilled expectations – not just culinary but also familial and cultural (the Macy’s Day parade disappoints, and not everyone is a football fan). I imagine that the folks at Butterball will, in a year, offer a hotline for other Thanksgiving emergencies – not bird-related.
Imagine a butterball talk-therapy-line that can help you with your deepest, most ridiculous Thanksgiving afflictions. You know, about tablescape anxiety (thanks, TikTok and Instagram), passive-aggressive in-laws, the puzzle of gluten-free or vegan guests, or how to gently discourage Uncle Ralph from finishing a bottle of bourbon before dinner.
What if you had a professional to guide you through diplomatically distributing favorite turkey body parts (Grandma wants the neck, Harry only eats the drumstick, and you hate dark meat) or strategically storing everyone’s coat in one room to discourage the curiosity of certain guests. Someone to explain how to explain to your grandfather that you don’t use an electric carver, or how to defend your non-organic, non-free-range turkey from judgment from your Gen Z niece.
Imagine calling a professional to navigate the moment of teaching with your brother-in-law about the volume control on your television, or the agonizing decision over seating arrangements (should the non-drinkers be placed next to or in front of Uncle Ralph?). And what to do when a distant and unexpected second cousin injures himself in a friendly game of touch football while you wait for that bird to fry. Will Talk-Therapy-Line know which South Shore urgent care centers are open?
For many of us, Thanksgiving is about believing — really believing — that this year will be different, even if we know we’ll be standing over the sink, covered in flour, Googling the safe internal temperature of poultry for the 10th year in a row, or forming a human shield between steaming gravy and a 2-year-old, and hoping the NPR crowd doesn’t mix too dangerously with Fox News fans over pumpkin pie. Do it.
So let’s embrace it. Let’s thank the frontline workers of the holiday season: the anonymous experts who save us from poisoning our families, burning down our houses, or carving up a half-frozen bird at the sight of initial confusion. And let’s thank and forgive each other and admit once and for all that no matter how many times we’ve done it, none of us really knows how to cook a turkey or execute that perfect Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving.
And that’s okay. Because as the pros at Butterball point out, it’s all about relaxing together with friends and family — with all the love and mess that comes in the form of a delicious side dish. happy Thanksgiving.
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