‘I shouldn’t have to co-parent with my rapist ex-husband’

After years of being trapped in an abusive marriage, Becky – not her real name – thought her terrifying ordeal could begin the day she saw her ex-husband go to jail for raping her twice.

But a fresh nightmare was imminent when, three days later, she faced him in family court to try to block either parent’s access to their children.

She is one of thousands of parents who have had to fight the right to maintain contact with a violent or abusive partner.

“I shouldn’t have had to co-parent with a man who raped me,” she said. He described the “appalling” way the family court system “prolonged the abuse”.

A legal principle introduced in 2014 into the 1989 Children Act means that judges must assume that the involvement of both parents in child contact cases is in the best interests of the child.

This notion of parental involvement also applies if the parent has been convicted of domestic abuse.

The government has addressed the issue, with the Justice Ministry announcing plans to revoke the presumption in October.

But Becky said women whose abusive partners have been jailed will never have to face them in the family courts to begin with.

He is now involved in a campaign to help change the law. She wants abusers to automatically be stripped of parental responsibility if convicted.

“Despite the fact that he was found guilty, it took several months for the judge to finally agree that he should have no contact with the children,” Becky said.

“I don’t think any victim should have to go through this. Parental responsibility should automatically go away.”

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Becky found the strength to leave her marriage in 2018 after eight years of abuse.

But despite initially living with her parents, due to financial reasons she had to return to the marital home with the children.

She said the former couple were living separate lives and divorce proceedings were underway when her ex-husband raped her twice in a fit of rage.

She reported the attacks when they occurred in 2019, but she was not charged until 2022 and, due to nationwide delays in the UK court system, it took two years for her to be convicted and given a custodial sentence.

He was found guilty by a jury in 2024, but was released on bail and sentenced six weeks later. A family court judge allowed him to meet his children during this time.

“When you’re going through the stress and trauma of the investigation, what he did to me, and also going through family court because of the intrusiveness of the trial, it’s very difficult,” Becky said.

“It was not fair to me as a victim to see and hear him again via video link.”

She said the family court proceedings had an “immense” impact on her and the children.

“I kept working and being as normal as possible. But kids know when something isn’t right.

“They are also victims – they were directly and indirectly affected by his behaviour.”

Following his conviction, a family court judge ruled that the couple’s children would be able to visit their father in prison after the start of his sentence.

But Becky took the decision to the Court of Appeal, which was upheld. She then had to return to family court to fight to restrict her parental rights.

The 10 months of “endless hearings” were terrifying, he said.

“It ruled my life when there should have been an end to the trial – there should have been an end to the guilty verdict.”

A Government Harm Panel report published in June 2020 found that allowing contact with children in domestic abuse cases may be “grossly inappropriate”.

After five years, the Ministry of Justice’s plan to repeal the presumption means courts will make decisions based on consideration of the safety and welfare of the child – with no default presumption.

It is not yet known when the law will change.

Natalie Fleet, Labor MP for Bolsover in Derbyshire, was recently successful in a similar campaign to amend the Victims and Courts Bill.

The new measures, currently at committee stage, would ban those convicted of abusing parental rights where the child has been born as a result of rape.

Rights will also be restricted if a parent has been convicted of serious sexual crimes against a child, and sentenced to four or more years in prison.

Another exception to the rule is the Z law – which was enacted by Parliament in 2024 after two grandparents were forced to co-parent their daughter with the partner who murdered her.

The law now states that when one parent murders the other, the court will automatically be required to restrict their parental responsibility.

The “supportive contact culture” within the family court system has been widely criticized by domestic abuse charities.

Research conducted by Women’s Aid in its Nineteen More Child Homicides report highlights children who have been killed by abusive parents through child contact approved in the family courts.

Policy manager Isabella Lowenthal-Isaacs said: “The decision to cancel the estimate is sadly delayed, but we very much welcome it.

“The damage this has caused is immense. Much more work needs to be done to ensure that delinquent parents do not get an automatic right to have contact with children in family court cases.”

Becky said the next step for her is to try to move on with her life and help her children heal from the pain they have endured.

“My message to other survivors of domestic abuse who are in the situation I was in is to keep fighting and don’t give up,” she said.

A Ministry of Justice spokesperson said it recognized the courage of victims to speak out about their experiences.

He said: “We are committed to ensuring that children and survivors of domestic abuse are protected from further harm.

“Victims can already apply to the court to restrict the parental responsibility of an offender where they have committed an offense against someone with whom they share a child.

“The Family Court will always make decisions in the best interests of the child.”