Empathy and humility are obvious qualities to which we aspire in our daily lives. They keep our ego under control. It is less obvious that they also have practical skills in the workplace. I think, especially for developers and tech leaders, lack of ego is the best way to advance our careers and do good work.
In the simplest terms ego is the personality trait that enables us to practice self-reflection, self-awareness, and accountability for the actions or decisions we take.
However, the ego pushes us to reshape our perception of the world in any way that keeps us centered in it. Each of us is always motivated to justify our place in the world. it constant self-justification It’s like an engine that idles for our entire life, and requires constant fine-tuning. When it runs rampant we call it a “big” ego.
Today’s latest news! Developers have egos!
I’m not just thinking about the 10x engineer stereotype, although I’ve worked with people like that in the past. Ego is even more subtle than that. Aside from the egotistical developer in the room throwing his weight around, our ego manifests itself in hundreds of ways that are much harder to detect.
As developers we are more susceptible to letting our egos loose. The nature of our work is so technical that to others it may seem obscure, mysterious, or even magical. Sometimes we don’t do enough to actively dispel that perception – and just like that, half the work of self-justification is already done for us.
Many times this is not intentional. The simplest example is the excessive use of jargon and acronyms. We all do it, but as Jeremy Keith explains:
Still, I understand why initialisms play out extensively in technical discussions. You can be sure that most discussions of particle physics will be incomprehensible to outsiders, not necessarily because of the concepts, but because of the terminology.
Simply mixing a few letters together can be empowering to yourself while exclusionary to others. It is an artifact of our ego – however small. We know what technobabble means. Our rightful place in the universe remains intact.
Sometimes we express our ego more deliberately. Developers have a clear inclination towards gatekeeping. For most, this is an honest mistake. There’s a fine line between holding others to a certain expectation versus actively excluding people. When we see ourselves doing this we can easily fix it.
Sadly, there are developers who like to do gatekeeping. They feel like wizards in their towers with their dusty books and potions. But, this is actually self-limiting. Gatekeeping by definition means you are fixed in place and never moving, standing guard for all eternity.
My point is that our ego can “leak” in so many ways that it takes effort to even catch it, let alone fix it. The following is a small, incomplete list of typical statements we may say or hear at work as developers. If you analyze them more precisely each of them is an attempt at self-justification:
- “That’s the approach we’ve always taken.”
- “It’s not that complicated! You just…”
- “Yeah, I should be able to finish it in a day.”
- “This legacy codebase is a complete disaster.”
- “Hand it to me. No one else will be able to fix it.”
- “You can’t be a senior dev. You don’t know anything about this…”
- “Ugh, our morning standup sucks.”
- “This facility is too important to hand over to Junior Dave.”
- “We should start using this new tool in our pipeline.”
- “We should never have used that new tool in our pipeline.”
everything is bigger than you
Ego is about the self but in the absence of new information or context it can very easily turn into something harmful. In fact, ego drives us to justify ourselves so much that one can actively argue not ready New information left unchecked.
You may have read one of the example statements above with some familiarity and thought, “But what if I’m right?”
To which I would say: OK, but should this be your default stance? Why might you feel the need to immediately start the conversation with self-justification? There are many ways to adjust our perspective, make our point, and accept new information at the same time.
In any conversation – whether it’s a meeting, a Slack thread, or a water cooler conversation – we must remember this What’s at stake is bigger than us in ways we don’t yet understand,
It’s a fairly simple assumption but we need skill to gain that understanding. We need empathy and humility. Empathy is the ability to recognize and understand what someone else is thinking or feeling. Humility is the resistance to our “competing reflexes” through the practice of emotional neutrality and vulnerability. Both work to counter the ego.
To make these concepts more operational I find it easier to define them in terms of their purposes. especially…
- sympathy how are we gather new information,
- humility how are we Allow information to change our behavior,
This framing also helps remind us what empathy and humility are are notAs the saying goes, it’s not about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, It’s not about being polite or pushy, It is not about altruism or self-sacrifice, We can practice empathy and humility easily without it being at our own expense,
pursuit of information
I don’t know about you but I go to work to solve problems, be creative, and make shit happen. I can’t think of a single example where unchecked ego has solved anything I’ve worked on. Ego makes an existing challenge worse. The solution requires information I don’t have yet.
Empathy and humility are typically top of mind during situations of pain or crisis, but these are actually aspects of emotional intelligence that should be activated at all times. Once you adjust your mindset to treat them as basic tools pursuit of information You will see opportunities everywhere to take advantage of them.
Developers can apply this mindset to almost anyone they come in contact with. Fellow developers, naturally. But also less technical teammates (e.g., QA, designers, product owners, stakeholders) who have their own unique skills and context on which our success depends. And of course our users need to be at the center of every problem we’re working to solve. Finally, if you have the courage, executives and upper management also have some insight (but only up to a certain point).
“Be curious, not judgmental”
I’ve been waiting for years for the chance to include Ted Lasso in one of my essays. Today is the day, readers!
The titular character is such a role model for the lead that my jaw hit the floor when I watched the show for the first time. The example set by TED has sparked countless ideas about leadership and management. Suffice it to say that he demonstrates all of my theories throughout the 34 episodes of the series. While sporting a moustache, he exudes empathy and humility. He expresses the absence of ego.
I highly recommend watching the show but this 5 minute clip is worth your time just to get a taste of it. This is the famous “darts scene”…
There is a common and derisive attitude that qualities like empathy or humility are signs of weakness. You have to get completely into your emotions. Wow! But they require vast reserves of strength, patience and determination. It is those people who follow their ego who are weak.
Keeping your ego under control is the easiest thing in the world. Ask any angry child. On the other hand, resisting those impulses and remaining calm is a quality that humanity has aspired to for thousands of years. As the Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius wrote: “The closer a man comes to a sober mind, the closer he gets to strength.”
You are neither Ted Lasso nor the Roman Emperor
Practicing empathy, humility and keeping your ego under control will be successful test yourself dailyThe feedback I get most from my coworkers is that I remain exceptionally cool and calm in any situation – even situations where I would be right to panic,
Is this naturally my personality? maybe partially, but staying calm is a choiceI am actively choosing to advocate for solutions instead of my ego, To my past and present colleagues, I now admit that whenever you have seen me look calm, composed, and collected, it is very likely that I can do the same, screaming from within,
If this sounds like a lot of work you may be wondering if it’s worth it. I think it is. At least your coworkers and colleagues will like you better. This is no small matter.
In all seriousness, the most positive feedback I get about developers I’ve managed is when they’ve demonstrated empathy and humility while setting aside their ego. That’s because they’re people we can really work with. Nobody wants to work with a narcissist or a rock star. No one is impressed by how many lines of code we wrote, or how fast we wrote it.
When people want to work with us – or even look forward to it – it means we have trust and respect. We will be at the proper level to work effectively as a group to solve problems. For developers this looks like training a junior developer, jumping on a quick call to pair with someone, or understanding the business value of the next backlog item. For leaders, this looks like people who feel empowered to do their work, who can proactively identify issues, or who can pull together and adapt when circumstances change.
Anyone can do it! I can’t think of any other career advice that is as universal as empathy and humility. Everyone, at any time in their life, is capable of making small but impactful improvements.
So remember – keep an eye on your ego and look for opportunities to leverage empathy and humility in your search for information so you can solve problems together.
In my next essay on this topic I will discuss practical matters. What I love about this advice is that, although we can do a lot, we don’t have to do it all to see some benefits. We can pick and choose and try a few. We can take your time and grow. Nobody’s perfect, not even Ted Lasso. Even if we adopt a character like Roy Kent, we can still call it a win. Just watch the show, okay?
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